Dad I wish you didn’t ruin Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and magic for me when I was 6.
I’m 9 now and holidays are no longer fun because I know that Santa isn’t real.
You wish I lied to you?
Yes. At least at the beginning you could have lied and told me that Santa was real.
Mom and I wanted to be honest with you so that you’d be a critical thinker and not grow up stupid.
Yeah, well you could have at least lied about Santa at the beginning and let me believe what I wanted to believe. I could have believed in magic and Santa. Then things would be fun. Now holidays are boring because I know the truth.
You could have told me later when I got older. Maybe when I was 13 or something.
Sorry Ethan. We just didn’t want you to grow up dumb and be lied to while believing in superstitious nonsense with no scientific backing. I didn’t mean to ruin holiday’s or magic for you.
I’m sorry that you are mad at me and mom.
I’m not mad at you and mom.
Yeah. Just YOU.
Hey Ethan, you know what?
Last night, I was researching something online and it turns out Santa is actually real!
Yeah. I guess I was wrong all along. I looked it up.
I originally thought he wasn’t real, but it turns out he IS real!
The reason he wasn’t coming to your house on Christmas is because we had to register your name with the “Office of Santa Commission” online at the North Pole Bureau.
That way, he would know where you live. It’s a very convoluted bureaucratic process these days. There’s a lot of government red tape involved.
But anyway, I registered you. So Santa now knows where you live!
So you see? He is real after all. So let’s just go about our day and…
…..how does he travel?
Um.. well he uses technology. You see, the reindeer have rockets attached to them so it lets him fly.
Ok? Cool. We’ve established that he is real.
So let’s just change the topic.
You know, an interesting thing happened to me when I was….
Nobody can live that long. It’s biologically impossible. I know that.
Uh…right. Well…when Santa gets too old, his son takes over the business and he becomes the new Santa.
So Santa IS real. Now let’s stop talking about it.
So anyway, I was…
What if Santa stops having children? It’s been many years.
One of his sons may not be able to have children. Then what?
And how can he fly to everyone in one night? It’s not logical.
He works it out. He gets help.
I want evidence.
Well, he will come to your house on Christmas eve.
You just have to leave milk and cookies for him overnight.
Um…it turns out Santa actually likes the same cookies that I do.
So make sure you leave the same kind of cookies or he won’t come.
He’s kind of a prick about these things. So if you don’t bribe him he never shows up.
I want proof that he is there.
Well he will show up at night while you are sleeping.
I’ll check the closet for a Santa suit to make sure you didn’t dress up as Santa.
We’ll also check our security cameras in the living room to obtain evidence that Santa was there.
If he really exists, we should have evidence of him.
sigh…. Ethan, don’t you just want to believe that Santa is real?
Yes. Of course I do. But I don’t want to be stupid.
I’m already a critical thinker. It’s too late. I can’t help it anymore!