Coolest Monkey In The Jungle vs Dumbest Monkeys In The Jungle

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Has anyone heard about this? The most disgusting and racist thing that has ever happened to this country.  I was shocked! Appalled!  How dare this retail store whom I’ve never heard of before do such a thing.   What is that store called? “H&M” or something?

As a white man,  I wasn’t sure how I should feel about this. So obviously the first thing I did was get on Facebook and talk to other people who matter – my fellow “Alt Left” white peers. After getting together with a bunch of our other white friends in our local Star Bucks for an all organic, non-gmo, gluten free, all vegan, natural, chemical free, beverage we unanimously decided that black children in hoodies still make us feel uncomfortable. So as white folks, we declared it to be racist.

One person in our group pointed out the fact that us seeing a cute little boy wearing a shirt with a cute and even “empowering” slogan, actually noticing and making an issue that the child is black and, us drawing a parallel between black people and animals actually makes us the racist ones.  And that the non-racist people wouldn’t even notice anything to begin with.

So naturally  we just accused him of being a racist and threw him out of our all-white group.

Anyway,  after checking with the social media echo chamber to ensure if I was on the right side and confirm exactly  how I should feel, I finally now knew for sure.  This IS racist. The social media mob had spoken. We quickly high-fived each other on how incredibly awesome we white folks are.  However, we had little time to celebrate. There was much work to be done. A rally? Fundraising? Congressional action? Political involvement. No.  This was serious. It called for a Facebook like. Perhaps even a share! That is how strongly I felt.

I quickly left Starbucks and headed out. I passed  by a couple of black men pleading for help as they were being harassed by what appeared to be racist security guards. Next to them was a black woman who was being threatened at a voting booth by white supremacists wearing MAGA hats.   Sorry my fellow “homies.”   No time for that. As an alt-left white man, I’ve got real problems to solve:

How to punish  “H&M” online for hiring black children as models?


I could just picture uh….”H.A.M.” now.  Those bastards at the executive office:



Director:  You know who I hate? Black people. Especially black children.

VP:    So do I. But what can we do to really convey our message of hatred towards black people?

Director:   Can the marketing team put together a racist add to ensure we alienate the black consumers but also make all the alt-left white people who have nothing better to do with their time boycot us?

VP:  Brilliant! Now I know why we pay you the big bucks!

Marketing manager:   Uh.. guys.  Are you sure this is a good idea?  We could lose a lot of money.  People could boycot us. They may refuse to buy our products. We could get bad publicity.  This makes no business sense.

VP:   Shut up Marketing Manager. We don’t care about money. We just want to promote racism.  Now, quickly. Hire a black child as a model. Pay him a lot of money. Put a racist statement on his shirt. Wait til we are boycotted and yelled at by the public on social media.  Then apologize.  hahahahaha

Director: Brilliant. Brilliant. I love our racist and cost-effective strategies. Those fools will never figure out our plans. hahahahaha



I was so mad from imagining this ridiculous scenario in my head.  And since I imagined it, therefore it must have really happened. How could this company have done this? I can’t let “M&M” get away with this!  So I did the only thing an alt-left white man like myself can do  as I walked towards my laptop (ignoring all the people of color who have been given longer prison sentences, denied equitable justice and conveniently ignored for years)   and I ……

  1. Opened my laptop
  2. logged in to twitter
  3. logged in to facebook
  4. Typed boycott “S&M”!
  5. Pressed share
  6. Never did anything again



  1.  When a parent needs to be shamed for dressing up her 6 year old daughter on Halloween like Pocahontas, I’ll be there.

2.  When a third party candidate douche bag like Jill Stein needs a voter, I’ll be there.

3. When the GOP needs a Bernie or Bust asshole who’s too stupid to tell the difference between an enemy and an imperfect friend,  I’ll be there.

4  And when Oprah needs me to vote for her because having one multi-millionaire dipshit from the entertainment industry with no concept or experience in government to fuck up our country is “just not enough the first time around”,  I”LL BE THERE!

And   when… and when… uh… when…..  when…uh….












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