I’m Very Honest…Once I Get Caught – Ethan’s World

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(This happened last year when Ethan was 8 years old and in 2nd grade)

Meet my son, Ethan. Future politician. Ethan will be a great politician one day. He constantly lies about everything. The only time he admits he has done something wrong is when he is caught. Then he tries to weasel his way out of it.

It was that way when he got there. He’s sorry and admits he did wrong. But only after he gets caught. And wrong is relative, depending on how you define “wrong” and what the definition of “did” really is.

Picked up Ethan   after class trip.

rudy

Ethan, mom packed your lunch on the field trip. How was it?

 

ethan_laugh
Good.

(Bullshit. He has a history of throwing away his packed lunch. This has been going on for years and we caught him before.)

 

rudy_question
Did you eat it all?

 

ethan
Yeah.

 

rudy_authority
Really?

 

ethan_happy
Yeah. Well. Most of it.

 

rudy_angry
Really? Tell me what happened. I KNOW so you better be honest. I already spoke to your teacher so tell the truth because she already told me what happened today.

(Bullshit. I spoke to nobody.)

 

ethan_sad
Ok. I threw away my lunch.

 

 

rudy_sad
Mom was exhausted and spend all evening packing your lunch. Why did you lie about throwing it away?!

 

ethan_shout
I didn’t lie. I told you I threw it out.

 

rudy_smartass
You only told me after I caught you!

 

ethan_authority
Well, I didn’t really lie. I said I ate most of it.

 

rudy_question
How much is most? She packed pasta, meat and yogurt and a bag of carrots!

 

ethan_sad
I had one carrot stick.

 

(Few weeks later)
… In Ethan’s room I find that his 150.00 Android Tablet has a cracked screen. It is broken. Touch pad unresponsive. Brat has been hiding it from me for a while.

I know this because the night before, I told him to go practice multiplication on his tablet and he pretended to go and do it. I asked him if he practiced the math on his (apparently broken) tablet and he looked me in the eyes with a straight face and said “Yes, daddy I’m finished with my multiplication.”   I asked my wife if she knew anything about this and she did not know about the broken tablet either. He has been hiding it from both of us. So the following day, I pick him up from school.

 

rudy
Ethan how was your day.

 

 

ethan_angry
I’m fine. Leave me alone (attitude everyday).

 

rudy_question
What now?

 

ethan_angry
I just need to refresh! Ok?!

 

 

rudy_smartass
Well, excuse me! I didn’t realize an 8 year old needs to “refresh” after 2nd grade. My, what interesting words you use. If mommy ever said that to her mom when she was a kid, the only thing that she’d be refreshing would be her face after her mother slapped her there with her hand. But go ahead and refresh yourself, son.

(  5 minutes later)

 

ethan_angry
FINE! I’m now ready to talk to you.

 

 

rudy_happy
I was thinking. After homework, we can play a game. You want to play a game with me?

 

 

ethan_angry
Whatever…I’ll play alone.

 

 

ethan_happy
Wait… what kind of game.

 

 

rudy_happy
A Pokemon game.  (Ethan loves Pokemon)

 

 

ethan_smartass
Wow… um.. Ok.. fine! I’ll do it.  (Acts like he’s doing me a favor).

 

rudy_happy
Great. We’ll play at home. It will be fun.

 

ethan_happy
Ok.

 

 

rudy_smartass
It’s on the tablet. So when we get home, after you shower, take out your tablet and bring it to me and we’ll download that game. Then I’ll show you how it works and we’ll play it.

 

ethan_sad
(Wide eyed, red face, puffy eyes, head down)….uh….. daddy.

 

rudy_happy
Yes?

 

 

ethan_sad
There’s something I have to tell you.

 

rudy_happy
Yes son?

 

ethan_sad
It’s about the …the..t..tttt….tablet.

 

rudy_happy
Yes?

 

 

ethan_sad

We can’t play the game on the tablet…b..b..because…because…

 

rudy_angry
BECAUSE IT IS CRACKED?!

 

ethan_sad
(Crying.) I just woke up one day… and it was just like that on it’s own! I swear!

 

rudy_smartass
Tablets don’t crack on their own Ethan.

 

ethan_authority
It did! The screen cracked by itself!

 

 

rudy_question
When did it break?

 

ethan_shout
Uh…. yesterday.    (Liar. It’s been broken for at least a few weeks.)

 

rudy_question
Why didn’t you tell me?

 

ethan_authority
I told mommy.    (Liar. He never did.)

 

rudy_authority
No you didn’t. I spoke to mommy today earlier. She knew nothing of this!

 

ethan_shout
I DID. I DID! Waaaaaaaa.  (Starts crying again and asking for forgiveness.)  I’m a horrible person.

 

rudy_smartass
No. You’re just a liar with an attitude.

 

 

rudy_authority
So, what should we do with you?

 

 

ethan_sad
Throw me out into the street and make me poor.

 

 

rudy_smartass
Nah,  I’m saving that for when you’re a teen.
 

 

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