Asinine Job Ad: Speak Perfect English! Even If I Don’t.

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I came across the following job ad. Word of advise to anyone who posts a job opening. If you ever post a job demanding that the applicant not only be professional, but also speak, write, and understand PERFECT English, it may be a good idea that you at first ensure that you do so yourself lest you make yourself look stupid in the process.

 

And here is this “dream” job:

 

“Looking for the Perfect VA with Absolutely PERFECT English!

Hourly – Entry Level ($) – More than 6 months – 30+ hrs/week

Can you do everything and anything digital?    
Can you research? Find your own answers?
Stay organized? Keep me organized?
Keep up with a fast pace environment?
Be on the spot with suggestions, ideas, answers and SOLUTIONS?

Are you smart? Brilliant even? Genius?

Do you read a lot of books? Do you want to work with a dynamite team of quick thinking over ambitious over achievers?

Do you read, write and understand English perfectly?

No seriously? 
Do you?

It’s going to be sooooooo obvious, even from
your first response to this job posting.

I’ve gone through many VA’s (I think you mean so many VA’s have gone through YOU) and all of them mean well and I’m very nice to each and every person that I come into contact with, but I’m looking for someone special.  (A mental health counselor?)

I’m looking for someone that knows how to take charge and get the job done.

I need someone who has smarts…lots of them….and drive…and ambition and hunger to succeed….(commas are your friend) to join a team of very bright individuals that share the same values and HELP each other. 🙂  (So your entire team is a group of ethnocentric, racist, neurotic, psychopathic illiterate morons who project their inadequacies onto others? Great. Can’t wait to meet them.) Yes that exists in the workplace and it’s here. (Oh. believe me. I know. Have you checked the White House staff list?) We help one another and have an awesome training program.  

 

But it requires honesty and we need to know if you’re fluent in English…absolutely native sounding.  

Do you speak English fluently?  (As fluent as you?)

I ask because it’s the key to communication in the company.

Fluently?  (Please repeat the question once again. I went to Trump University and have comprehension difficulty.)

Do you know English almost better than your native language?  (My native language is American. So… no. No I don’t.)

I’m not gifted to know other languages (or any language apparently) so I’m forced to only work with those that know perfect English and i really really really really really really really really really really and truly mean PERFECT English. (I only know really really really. So I don’t qualify)

This job will be to help me out as my assistant. (You need help writing job ads?)

I run a Digital Marketing / Advertising firm….and communication is the #1 thing that matters most.  (I couldn’t agree more.)

Tasks will involve email management, possible social media, light website editing (no programming or coding required.)   

All that is required is perfect English.   (Hablo ingles perfecto.)

That’s all. Everything else I’ll gladly train. (Do you really really really really and truly mean it?)

Hours are from 7am-7pm (PST). Just choose 8hrs from there. (First tell me the 8 hours you plan to be absent.)

Or if you are an absolute ninja who blows through everything their (sic – perfect English my ass) given and i’m (capitalize the “I” bitch)  left in awe, then you can have more flexibility with your hours.

Training is paid and you’ll go through an open evaluation period where you’ll be graded on various skills.  (Training is always paid. You’re not offering something extra here.)

One thing we can guarantee is that you will LEARN SO MUCH from a bunch of people that are very supportive and helpful.  (Except English. We can’t teach you something we don’t know ourselves. You won’t learn English…or grammar….or the use of commas…or the difference between their and they’re ….really really really really really.)

This will help you alone for a long time to come.   (Wait you’re supportive and helpful or are you leaving me alone?)

Once and if you get an “as needed” or “part-time” position, we’ll evaluate what roles you excel in the most.  (“Once and if”…What?)

Your pay is not going to be enormous, but it will be consistent, which beats high pay low hours.  (I’m an insufferable person. But on the other hand, you’ll get paid little and spend a lot of time with me.)

Steady pay > High inconsistent pay

Bid competitively because that will determine a lot.  (You already sound like a dream.)

Thank you and good luck.

Please bid competitively as this will most likely have the biggest impact on deciding who to hire.  (Can you repeat this a 3rd time? Again…Trump University student.)

Budget is tight for new hires but if you’re the right one, you will not ever have to worry about being paid. Ask anyone in the company.  (Oh good. I’m glad that if you hire me, you’ll also pay me for the job I do. That’s reassuring.) 

There will be a lot of hours so it will be a consistent job with a lot of hours, instead of a higher paying job with only a couple of hours a week. It will be stable and consistent if you make it through.  (Thanks for repeating it a 3rd time. I finally get it.)

In my opinion, a very very good person to work with because i’m transparent and encourage the best answers over authority and rank. (Trump?! Is that you?!)

The work is challenging at first but I’m very supportive and so is the team. (As long as I speak very very very very very very truly truly and I mean very good perfect “Inglés”…. SHIT!)

There is absolutely no negativity allowed with this job (Great! So when do you resign?) and we all encourage each other and assist each other in tough times. Look forward to seeing you (sic) application. (Oh, I  seriously doubt that. And my name is not “Application”.)

A bonus tip: Google “Message To Garcia”….read it and then tell me what it means to you because it gives insight on what we look for in the perfect candidate.  (No way! I’m not doing your GED remedial English homework assignment for you!)

Thank you and Good Luck!”

 

 

 

Oh boy, where do I begin?

I’m not going to comment much more on this job ad.

I however just want to quickly point out this quote “Budget is tight for new hires but if you’re the right one, you will not ever have to worry about being paid. Ask anyone in the company.  

When an employer has to promise you that they will actually pay you – something that is so basic it doesn’t even warrant mentioning, run the other direction. That is like a restaurant stating “we don’t have a lot of food on the menu but we assure you that we generally don’t poison our food. We swear. Ask anyone! Our food is not poisoned. Bon Appétit.”

 

I will, however speak about my wife.

marianna

She is an immigrant from Azerbaijan. She speaks Russian, a bit of Azeri, and English. She also started to pick up French in her spare time out of pleasure. And now with Trump in power, out of fear.  She has olive colored skin due to her ethnicity. She studied English in her home country and earned her Master’s in Washington D.C.  She has an interesting little accent. Oddly enough, it is not an Azeri accent. It is just her own unique little accent which is kind of funny somehow due to the way certain words are pronounced. It is not very strong but slight and distinct. However she does get frustrated because some people ask her where she is from when she opens her mouth. It’s not really from anywhere. It’s just her own unique accent strangely enough.

She has an executive level directorial position at a well known medical university. Interestingly enough, her position actually requires her to speak   “really really really really really really…. really really really….. really and truly PERFECT English.”  In addition to that, she actually has to know some other things too, like how to be a fucking director.

When it comes to her linguistic skills, she puts most native born American’s (including myself ) to shame. I have written college research papers. I’ve published an over 100 page Master’s level dissertation, and I have to ask my immigrant wife for advise on certain English terminology, help with proofreading and advice concerning written business correspondence.

My wife is overqualified for the job listed above. She could literally run that facility. But I can assure you that if she for some silly reason applied for that stupid job, she would never get it. The hiring manager would take one look at her and reject her. Certainly the minute she opened her mouth , she would be in the reject pile. But any dipshit who doesn’t even have 1/10 of her brain cell or English skills for that matter would get the job over her if he can play the “All American” card.

That is the real irony.  If you want excellence from your employees, try to exhibit some of that yourself. Or at the very least…be a “very very very good person to work with ….and…. ……  speak….  perfect English and i really really really really really really really really really really and truly mean PERFECT English.”

 

I’ve got your perfect English right here.

rudeboy_OZ middle finger icon

 

 

 

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