I will tell you about an incident when I first went to buy a couch at Rooms To Go with my lovely wife. It was to say the least, an “experience” to be remembered. Not like “Oh my god, what a night of great sex” experience. But more like “oh my god, so that is what a rectal exam from a blind person without any lubrication feels like” experience.
My wife and I needed to buy a new couch. Simple enough. We looked online at rooms to go and out of a number of selections narrowed it down to 2 couches. We decided we should drive to the store and see the couches in person rather than just order online. We walk in to the store. The sales people do not follow us around like vultures which is always a good sign. We view the first couch. It’s nice. Unfortunately we can’t find the second couch. Maybe this location doesn’t have it on display. I come up to the salesman. It was a while ago, but if memory serves me right, I believe the salesman’s name was Shithead. Yep. I’m pretty sure that was his name.
Hello Shithead. I am looking for this model couch. Can you help us?
Are you being helped?
No. (If I was being helped why the hell would I be asking you for help?)
Oh we don’t have that on display.
I see. Too bad.
Yeah. Hard to buy a couch without seeing it. Some people saw it before, ordered it and didn’t like it.
(This is his sales approach? Don’t buy our couch? oooookaaay.)
Hmmm. Shithead. Maybe I’ll take a look at the picture. Do you have a catalog or photo of the couch?
(I know they do because I saw it online earlier and they have a computer right in the store.)
Um…Ok. Thanks, I guess. (For doing nothing. Hope you don’t work on commission)
(to wife: ) Lets go look at the other couch that they do have on display. If it looks good, we may take that one instead.
(Starts following us around from a distance. Guess he does work on commission.)
Yeah. So now that I’ve done nothing for you, do you need any help?
Yeah Shithead, we want this couch.
GREAT! I must warn you though. Over time this couch – the arm rests. They will sag. You know, because it’s not the most expensive couch. It’s hundreds of dollars instead of thousands.
(Is he for real? This is his sales approach? I’m about to close the deal and he is trying to discourage me?)
Something wrong with the couch?
Well some couches are more expensive, some are less. Over time of course the arm rests can sag a bit.
(Like wear and tear. Just like anything else. What is his problem? How does he sell anything?)
Ok dude. I’ll take it.
Now about our fabric protection plan.
I highly recommend it. (Goes on a 20 minute sales pitch).
People sit on couches. You sweat, dust falls on it, dirt gets on it, and over time it gets stains, etc.
Right. It’s called wear and tear. Then I buy a new couch.
(Clearly upset) Ok. But I must demonstrate to you the advantages or I get in trouble.
( Brings back some stick of paper and a solution of water and shows how this solution will protect my couch. )
Wow. That’s amazing. You give meaning to my life. I decline.
Ok. We’ll just get the paper work and send you on your way.
(5 minutes later)
(Walks in with another man in glasses and a tie) I’d like you to meet our manager Mr. Psycho!
Oh no! Not you again! Aren’t you that creepy stalker who was harassing me when I tried to sell my chest of drawers on Craigslist before as described in this earlier blog? The Craigslist Psycho? https://rudeattitude.wordpress.com/2018/01/27/the-craigslist-psycho/
No sir. I’m a different psycho. We all look alike.
Well, ok. But I’m gonna keep my eye on you.
I’m actually the manager of this store.
(Hmmm. I guess the manager came out personally to thank us for our business and welcome us to the “Rooms to go” family and shake our hand. Just like they do in the car dealership)
Hello sir. I am Mr. Psycho. I was called here because I hear you are turning down our 60.00 fabric protection plan. This is very disturbing news. And I don’t get disturbed by things very often considered the fact that I eat people. Now please, sit down.
(He has a very serious look on his face like someone just died).
We want you to understand the seriousness of this and what this means. If you later decide to change your mind, it will be too late.
I understand. Still don’t want it.
You can’t call us 3 months later and say “Hey I spilled something on my couch and complain about it.”
(What kind of moron would spill something on his own couch and then call the furniture store to complain about his own incompetence and clumsiness?)
Yeah, I’m not gonna do that. Not getting it.
Don’t compare the lack of stains from your earlier couches to today’s couches because earlier couches had these applied automatically. They don’t do this anymore.
(Don’t care. Earlier couches still had stains when something spilled something so apparently it’s a moot point. Just wear and tear. Don’t plan on keeping it long enough to give a shit. Eventually if it gets damaged enough I’ll get a new one.)
Still not getting it.
This is especially needed for light colored couches!
Um… but the couch I’m getting is chocolate colored brown.
(Moron. You are sitting on it as we speak!)
(Dumb look) Sort of like this :
May I ask why you don’t want this?
Tucker, er.. Psycho. We really don’t need it at this time and can’t justify the purchase.
(What is this guy’s problem? I am about to fork over almost 800 dollars for a couch and they are harassing us for a $60 dollar fabric protection spray? Are you fucking kidding me?! I don’t care. Just be careful with the couch. People sit. They sweat. They shed. Dust falls. Its’s a fucking couch! You are supposed to sit and live on it. You don’t treat it like some priceless artifact to freak out the minute a spec of dust falls on it. And eventually like everything else, it gets worn. When it does, get a new fucking couch. Psycho. Get over yourself. You are about to lose an 800 dollar sale over a 60 dollar spray. Your salesperson, Shit Head was useless and now you are harassing us)
Well this is very disappointing but ok. Shit Head, check them out.
(Grumble grumble…gonna have to eat you later.)
Ok. Let’s get your credit card and we’ll send you on your way.
(I lean against another leather couch on display while waiting to have my paperwork processed.)
(Yells at me in authoritative voice.)
WHAT?! What happened?!
(He literally grabs my hand!)
LOOK AT WHERE YOUR HAND IS!!
WHAT?! WHERE IS MY HAND?!
Your hand was leaning against that leather couch!
(WTF? That was a display model! I can’t put my hand against a couch in a furniture store while waiting for my credit card to be processed?)
Oh my god! Sorry. I didn’t know I couldn’t…….
See? That couch wasn’t treated with fabric protection. You see that?! Your hand left a stain because of your sweat. The other side of the couch does not have a sweat stain because it is close to the wall and nobody touches it. And this is LEATHER. It is more expensive and durable than the microfiber that you have so it is more resilient and still it stains. Now, are you SURE you don’t want that Fabric Protection?
(So now before you sell me the $800 dollar couch, you insult the material, my taste, and my budget. Then you yell at me for touching one of your display models with my “sweaty” hand. On top of that, you are still trying to hound me about this stupid fabric protection for 60.00. Again, I am paying you $800 and you are bothering me about $60.00. Please Shit Head, take this fabric protection and spray it on your rectum because I am about to demonstrate to everyone exactly how effective this “protection” spray truly is as I am about to shove a whole bunch of fabric up your ass)
No. I don’t want the protection spray !!
Sigh…..Ok. Suit yourself.
Yeah…. And I thought I’d just go with my wife one afternoon to buy a new couch thinking this would be simple.