Rooms To (Not) Go

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I will tell you about an incident when I first went to buy a couch at Rooms To Go with my lovely wife. It was to say the least, an “experience” to be remembered. Not like “Oh my god, what a night of great sex” experience. But more like “oh my god, so that is what a rectal exam from a blind person without any lubrication feels like” experience.
My wife and I needed to buy a new couch. Simple enough. We looked online at rooms to go and out of a number of selections narrowed it down to 2 couches. We decided we should drive to the store and see the couches in person rather than just order online. We walk in to the store. The sales people do not follow us around like vultures which is always a good sign.  We view the first couch. It’s nice. Unfortunately we can’t find the second couch.  Maybe this location doesn’t have it on display. I come up to the salesman.  It was a while ago, but if memory serves me right, I believe the salesman’s name was Shithead. Yep. I’m pretty sure that was his name.

 

rudy_happy

Hello Shithead. I am looking for this model couch. Can you help us?

 

 

shit-head-mask
Are you being helped?

 

 

rudy
No.  (If I was being helped why the hell would I be asking you for help?)

 

 

shit-head-mask
Oh we don’t have that on display.

 

 

 

rudy_sad
I see. Too bad.

 

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
Yeah. Hard to buy a couch without seeing it. Some people saw it before, ordered it and didn’t like it.

 

 

 

rudy_question
(This is his sales approach? Don’t buy our couch? oooookaaay.)
Hmmm. Shithead. Maybe I’ll take a look at the picture. Do you have a catalog or photo of the couch?

(I know they do because I saw it online earlier and they have a computer right in the store.)

 

 

shit-head-mask
Noooooo.

 

 

 

rudy_authority
Um…Ok. Thanks, I guess.   (For doing nothing. Hope you don’t work on commission)

 

 

 

rudy_smartass
(to wife: ) Lets go look at the other couch that they do have on display. If it looks good, we may take that one instead.

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
(Starts following us around from a distance. Guess he does work on commission.)

Yeah. So now that I’ve done nothing for you, do you need any help?

 

 

 

rudy
Yeah Shithead, we want this couch.

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
GREAT! I must warn you though. Over time this couch – the arm rests. They will sag. You know,  because it’s not the most expensive couch. It’s hundreds of dollars instead of thousands.

 

 

rudy_question
(Is he for real? This is his sales approach? I’m about to close the deal and he is trying to discourage me?)

Something wrong with the couch?

 

 

shit-head-mask
Well some couches are more expensive, some are less. Over time of course the arm rests can sag a bit.

 

 

rudy
(Like wear and tear. Just like anything else. What is his problem? How does he sell anything?)

Ok dude. I’ll take it.

 

 

shit-head-mask
Now about our fabric protection plan.

 

 

 

rudy
Not interested.

 

 

shit-head-mask
I highly recommend it. (Goes on a 20 minute sales pitch).

People sit on couches. You sweat, dust falls on it, dirt gets on it, and over time it gets stains, etc.

 

 

 

rudy_question
Right. It’s called wear and tear. Then I buy a new couch.

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
(Clearly upset)  Ok.  But I must demonstrate to you the advantages or I get in trouble.

 

 

 

rudy
um Ok.

 

 

shit-head-mask
( Brings back some stick of paper and a solution of water and shows how this solution will protect my couch. )

 

 

rudy_smartass
Wow. That’s amazing. You give meaning to my life. I decline.

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
Ok. We’ll just get the paper work and send you on your way.

 

 

 

 

rudy
Finally.
(5 minutes later)

 

 

 

shit-head-mask8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b
(Walks in with another man in glasses and a tie) I’d like you to meet our manager Mr. Psycho!

 

 

 

rudy_facepalm

Oh no! Not you again! Aren’t you that creepy stalker who was harassing me when I tried to sell my chest of drawers on Craigslist before as described in this earlier blog?   The Craigslist Psycho?  https://rudeattitude.wordpress.com/2018/01/27/the-craigslist-psycho/

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b

No sir. I’m a different psycho. We all look alike.

 

 

 

rudy_smartass

Well, ok.  But I’m gonna keep my eye on you.

 

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b

I’m actually the manager of this store.

 

 

rudy

(Hmmm. I guess the manager came out personally to thank us for our business and welcome us to the “Rooms to go” family and shake our hand. Just like they do in the car dealership)

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b
Hello sir. I am Mr. Psycho. I was called here because I hear you are turning down our 60.00 fabric protection plan. This is very disturbing news. And I don’t get disturbed by things very often considered the fact that I eat people. Now please, sit down.

(He has a very serious look on his face like someone just died).

 

We want you to understand the seriousness of this and what this means. If you later decide to change your mind, it will be too late.

 

 

rudy
I understand. Still don’t want it.

 

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b
You can’t call us 3 months later and say “Hey I spilled something on my couch and complain about it.”

 

 

 

rudy_angry
(What kind of moron would spill something on his own couch and then call the furniture store to complain about his own incompetence and clumsiness?)

 

Yeah, I’m not gonna do that. Not getting it.

 

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b
Don’t compare the lack of stains from your earlier couches to today’s couches because earlier couches had these applied automatically. They don’t do this anymore.

 

 

 

rudy_authority
(Don’t care. Earlier couches still had stains when something spilled something so apparently it’s a moot point. Just wear and tear. Don’t plan on keeping it long enough to give a shit. Eventually if it gets damaged enough I’ll get a new one.)

Still not getting it.

 

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b
This is especially needed for light colored couches!

 

 

rudy_question
Um… but the couch I’m getting is chocolate colored brown.

(Moron. You are sitting on it as we speak!)

 

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b

(Dumb look)   Sort of like this : dumb look

 

May I ask why you don’t want this?

 

 

 

rudy_smartass
Tucker, er.. Psycho. We really don’t need it at this time and can’t justify the purchase.

 

(What is this guy’s problem? I am about to fork over almost 800 dollars for a couch and they are harassing us for a $60 dollar fabric protection spray? Are you fucking kidding me?! I don’t care. Just be careful with the couch. People sit. They sweat. They shed. Dust falls. Its’s a fucking couch! You are supposed to sit and live on it. You don’t treat it like some priceless artifact to freak out the minute a spec of dust falls on it. And eventually like everything else, it gets worn. When it does, get a new fucking couch. Psycho. Get over yourself. You are about to lose an 800 dollar sale over a 60 dollar spray. Your salesperson, Shit Head was useless and now you are harassing us)

 

 

 

8a84dca6b4175fe39cd5064eeb99b42b
Well this is very disappointing but ok. Shit Head, check them out.

(Grumble grumble…gonna have to eat you later.)

 

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
Ok. Let’s get your credit card and we’ll send you on your way.

 

 

 

 

rudy_happy

Great. Finally!
(I lean against another leather couch on display while waiting to have my paperwork processed.)

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
(Yells at me in authoritative voice.)

STOP!

 

 

 

 

rudy_authority
WHAT?! What happened?!

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
(He literally grabs my hand!)

 

LOOK AT WHERE YOUR HAND IS!!

 

 

 

rudy_shout
WHAT?! WHERE IS MY HAND?!

 

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
Your hand was leaning against that leather couch!

 

 

 

 

rudy_facepalm
(WTF? That was a display model! I can’t put my hand against a couch in a furniture store while waiting for my credit card to be processed?)

 

Oh my god!   Sorry. I didn’t know I couldn’t…….

 

 

 

shit-head-mask
See? That couch wasn’t treated with fabric protection.  You see that?!  Your hand left a stain because of your sweat. The other side of the couch does not have a sweat stain because it is close to the wall and nobody touches it. And this is LEATHER. It is more expensive and durable than the microfiber that you have so it is more resilient and still it stains. Now, are you SURE you don’t want that Fabric Protection?

 

 

 

rudy_angry
(So now before you sell me the $800 dollar couch, you insult the material, my taste, and my budget. Then you yell at me for touching one of your display models with my “sweaty” hand. On top of that, you are still trying to hound me about this stupid fabric protection for 60.00. Again, I am paying you $800 and you are bothering me about $60.00. Please Shit Head,  take this fabric protection and spray it on your rectum  because I am about to demonstrate to everyone exactly how effective this “protection” spray truly is  as I am about to shove a whole bunch of fabric up your ass)

 

rudy_shout

No. I don’t want the protection spray !!

 

 

shit-head-mask
Sigh…..Ok. Suit yourself.

 

 

 

rudy

Yeah…. And I thought I’d just go with my wife one afternoon to buy a new couch thinking this would be simple.

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5 comments

    1. No. I don’t regret not buying the stupid stain protection. And no there have not been any stains. It’s been a few years and due to “wear and tear”.That couch has recently been replaced by a different couch we purchased. And the recent purchase experience has been an absolute nightmare requiring us to get a replacement, file a complaint, get corporate involved, a complete refund , an apology from corporate and wait a month for them to get their heads out of their asses to finally get a couch that is sitting in our living room now. I shutter to think about the next time my current couch will need to be replaced. Maybe I’ll just get a few cardboard boxes, sit on them and call it a day. Less stress.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. WTF. How can buying a couch be so stressful! You should create another blog post about the second experience. It sounds a lot more brutal.
        Haha, cardboard boxes sounds about right. 😛

        Liked by 1 person

  1. You yelled at me yesterday for falling asleep on the couch and hugging the pillow. Guess I can call you Mr. Shithead now. Or does Mr. Psycho sound more polite?

    Like

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