So how long have you been single?
I’m divorced. It’s been about a year. I’m not seeing anyone though. You’re my priority.
Just want to let you know ahead of time. I’m married. Though I expect you to only be with me. I’m assuming this won’t be an issue.
Of course not! You’re entitled to have as many women as you want.
Great. Now I do want to ask you a few questions before we proceed with the dating and the inevitable sexual intercourse. Mind you, I won’t talk about my past too much and you aren’t allowed to ask me many questions. Maybe 1 or 2 superficial ones but I am allowed to probe you as much and as long as I wish. Though I will give you a brief summary about myself. I’m perfect and you are lucky to date me. When I fuck you, you will know that I am the best lover you ever had. And… well..that’s about it for me. So now it is your turn.
What happened with your previous relationship? You said you were divorced. So please explain to me why you got divorced and be sure to explain it in a way to make it look like a) your divorce was all your fault and b) how you grew from this experience. I need to know I won’t have the same issue dealing with you that your ex-husband had.
Of course. You deserve to know the truth. And I deserve to be lied to. It’s only fair.
Let’s see. My husband would frequently come home drunk with a prostitute around his arm.
And this bothered you?
Well, to be quite honest, yes. At least at that time. I was immature. I didn’t realize back then that my husband needed to blow off some steam. Here I am, working all day as an investment banker. Then I come home, and I have to clean the house and cook dinner. My husband is out drinking all night. He comes home stressed out from being at the bar all day. He just lost a bunch of our money at poker and he needs to relieve some stress.
All the poor guy wants is dinner and a blowjob ready for him when he gets back. I just didn’t have enough time for all that because of my poor time management skills. So he hit me and got a prostitute. Of course I got angry because I didn’t see things from his point of view.
I was selfish. Nobody is perfect. But I could have handled things differently. I didn’t like it when he beat me. But maybe if I didn’t put myself in a position for him to have to beat me in the first place, he wouldn’t have to.
And after all , what is so wrong with a guy getting drunk , getting a hooker, and beating his bitch once in a while.
Yes yes. Agreed. I intend to do that to you as well when we date.
Wonderful. I can hardly wait.
What about the verbal abuse that you had to put up with in addition to the physical abuse. The constant drinking, the cheating, the bruises? I will do that too, you know.
No problem. I like it. I actually consider it a challenge. I look forward to the challenge of having to deal with things like that. It’s a good growing opportunity. I may not have considered it that way when I was with my wonderful ex-husband but I have grown since then. If I could do it again, I would have done things differently. Maybe I could have joined him and his prostitute in a tree-some.
Wonderful! I love your creativity and innovation. I could use a woman like you. I see you have grown.
I have grown! I really have and I’m really excited about the opportunity to be dating you. When my husband divorced me because I mouthed off at him for not putting up with his beatings , drinking, and cheating, I look back now and think how selfish I was. I could have taken these things as “learning opportunities.’
I should have had dinner for him immediately when he came home. Not just him but for him and his hooker. I should have let him hit me and rise up to the challenge. They say I need to roll with the punches. Well, he threw punches and I just didn’t roll.
But I am a different woman now! I know it was my fault and I’ve grown since then and I take full responsibility.
Great to hear! You can be my girl.
Now bitch, go get my dinner before I beat the shit out of you.
Yes sir! Thank you sir!
What? Why are you guys looking at me like that? Yeah yeah. Whatever. I know. I’m a piece of shit.
But I can’t help thinking that this scenario seems just all too familiar to me somehow……………………………..
So….. thank you for interviewing with our company. Just so you know you’ll be allowed to ask 1 or 2 superficial questions and we won’t be honest anyway but I’ll be allowed to ask you as many questions as I want and probe you endlessly. Now, before I ask you anything, let me just start by saying that I am perfect and when you work for me you will soon realize that I am the best boss you’ve ever had.
Now about your previous employer. Please tell me why you left and don’t forget that no matter what kind of a prick he was, spin it in a way to make it look like A) he was amazing and it was all your fault, and B) how you grew from your experience.
Of course. Well, my previous boss fired half his staff and the turnover rate was high because everyone either got fired or quit after 2 months.
But I now realize that the reason was because everyone else was stupid and lazy except for him. He was the good one. Everyone else was bad. The constant tears shed by staff members were tears of joy.
What about you?
I’m embarrassed to say this but I wasn’t as mature back then as I am now. The constant abuse and harassment. The mental anguish, and mismanagement was….
Are you badmouthing your previous employer and boss?!
No. Perish the thought. He was perfect! I was going to say that all of that was completely my fault! For example, when I was blamed consistently for things that I wasn’t responsible for. Even when I wasn’t there. That was my fault. When I was abused, harassed, berated I should have seen those as “learning opportunities.”
And you realize this now.
Oh yes. I have grown since then. The toxic environment in our department was just a “challenge” for me to overcome.
I sure do love to overcome challenges.
Good. Because we have a lot of these types of challenges for you here. I always need a scapegoat to abuse.
Oh good! Good! What a wonderful growth opportunity for me.
Now culture is very important to our company.
We have a culture of individuality. We want you to be yourself here and contribute as an individual.
REALLY?! Great, because I have some innovative ideas that could really….
I had to fire the last 3 staff members because their non-conforming style just didn’t fit in with our culture of individuality.
So what were you saying?
Uh…. The same…. thing that… you …were… saying?
Oh good good. I see you’ll do fine here. And I love how you made your last shitty boss sound wonderful and put all the blame on yourself.
Oh yes. It was all my fault. And I have grown! I really have! And I’m really excited about the opportunity to be working for you.
When I parted with my last company because of the constant abuse I had to endure from them, I look back now and think how selfish I was. I could have taken these things as “learning opportunities.’ I should have let them continue to berate me and use me as a scapegoat and just rise up to the challenge of working for one of the worst organizations known to mankind who have a reputations for wiping the floor with their employees.
They say I need to roll with the punches. Well, they threw punches at me and I just didn’t roll.
But I am a different man now! I know it was my fault and I’ve grown since then and take full responsibility.
Great to hear! You got the job. Now bitch, go do some idiotic mundane task that I can blame you for later before I fire your ass.
Yes sir! Thank you sir!